Let's Get Real About Marriage

ASHTON

I wanted to keep it lighthearted this time around and not dive too deep into a depressing topic so I thought we should write on being content and not focusing on “keeping up with the Joneses.” Then after reading Ashley’s intro I quickly realized that this is not a light and fluffy topic. It’s caused significant internal unrest as well as friction between us. I recently heard that millennials, after getting married, spend the first few years attempting to obtain the same level of economic success as their parents.

Check. Guilty of that one.

Ashley and I were married on March 10, 2012, and yes I remember the date. I was fresh into a new career and she was managing a local coffee bar. We were on a plane to Hawaii within a couple days. We booked that flight on an Alaska Airlines credit card with the mindset that we would just pay it off before the vacation came. Check, that didn’t happen. I can remember the internal dialog and justification, “I have a new job with an influx of money and this would be an easy thing to just pay off”,  and “everyone goes to Hawaii.”

The Hawaii trip wasn’t paid for before we left, shocker. Yet before landing back in Seattle we were discussing our blissful new life and the fact that we needed a house. We certainly couldn’t live in a condo forever. Heck, it seemed that all of our friends that got married bought homes. These friends were happy and we clearly needed a house for all the presents we were given. So the hunt began within a few weeks. We did the math and we could “afford” the payment and still get by and so we pulled the proverbial trigger. By May we were in a home. The first thing we did in that house was take a picture and post it to Facebook. We got so many likes. I bet everyone was impressed. We were now homeowners like everyone else.

We moved in and had to buy a washer and dryer, but those were expensive. No problem, we’ll go shop a discount place to get us by. Found an off-brand pair with a ding in them for $700 or so. Whoa, $700? Let’s go ahead and put them on the credit card and just pay it off in a few months, it’s only $700. In all likelihood the credit card had a lingering balance because of the Hawaii trip.

Within a month or two after that we obviously needed to look for a car as Ashley’s was “getting old.”  We may write sometime about the car buying experience, but just refer yourself to the post on fighting and assume it’s a process we don’t want to repeat anytime soon. We both had an idea of what we wanted. It needed to be newer and nice. We budgeted out what we thought we could afford and got an SUV. If you’re keeping track we are now paying for the original Hawaii trip, the house, the washer and dryer, and now a car. Did I mention that I just graduated from law school and had to start paying my loans? The list would go on but I’ve made my point.

It was time we upped the ante a bit and started looking into a dog. Everyone had a dog. They are easy and we will have so much fun with one. Found a breeder and bought Scout, a beautiful yellow lab. She was adorable and such a great puppy. I bet there were no less than 50 Facebook pictures of that dog online within a few months. Unbeknownst to me, dogs are expensive. Shots, food, and don’t get me started on that fence we had to put in.

We had it made. We were the perfect family. Nice house, new car, job, white fence, and the yellow lab to boot. I don’t want it to seem like we were piling up debt and that this will end in a crash (as it doesn’t), but we were living outside of our means. We have never been late on a payment—and in a later blog we will discuss our finances—but we were not being responsible with all that God had given us.

We did marriage counseling and discussed budgeting. At the top of the list was “tithe.”  We are going to “tithe” no matter what. It seemed so easy in concept. Just take the right amount out of the check and put it in a separate account. Yet in practice it was difficult. Nobody knows how much you tithe. Not your friends, family, or the congregation. Since I’m currently a deacon at church, I’m part of the group that counts the tithe. It’s a rotating job, so from month to month nobody really knows who gives what.  At our Church, it is really between you and God.

Admission: we did not tithe what we should have. Again, we’ll discuss our current financial situation later, but at this point in time, in all honesty, we did not make it enough of a priority. This is one of many things I am not terribly proud of, and frankly, the word “shame” is more appropriate.

Ashley and I were leveled in 2014 and I mean leveled. This will be a blog topic in itself, but it’s safe to say our world was turned upside down. I was fighting depression and anxiety and it took a village for us get back to even par. One of the things that this two-year and counting battle has taught us is this: don’t take this precious life for granted. We’ve slowed down and really learned who we are. We are God’s children. We are not just husbands, wives, attorneys, baristas, or residents of Gig Harbor. We’ve slowed down financially and looked at our income and prioritized where our money is going. Do we still covet and want things our friends have? Yes, I want a drone. But the things I want do not consume me like they once did. I won’t lose a minute of sleep not having that drone.

I felt the pressure to “keep up with the Joneses,” and in the small well-off community I live in it was easy to do. See, I felt the pressure. And I doubt I am the only one who feels this way. I would bet most of my friends and family have felt the pressure. I fell into the pressure which then only perpetuated the circle of others feeling the same pressure. It’s self-made. We created it and we are putting the pressure on ourselves and on others. Something to ponder.

 

ASHLEY

When Ashton said he wanted to have a post about “keeping up with the Joneses” I wasn’t too thrilled. Mainly, because it’s a huge struggle for me. As much as I would like to say I don’t get caught up in it, I do. I do a lot. I grew up and currently live in Gig Harbor. It’s no secret that it’s an affluent area. People have referred to it as the neighboring city’s largest gated community. It’s a place where comparing is hard not to do.

I have heard the stories, read the Bible verses, and sat through the sermon studies on comparing, coveting, jealousy etc.—but when it comes down to it, it seems just flat out impossible not to get caught up in. One thing that does not help is social media. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a picture of someone vacationing and thought why can’t we go on more vacations. I have seen pictures of new houses, cars, clothes, and the list goes on and on. I thought if I just had that outfit, if we just built that house, if we only could drive that type of car. I am human, and I am guilty. And don’t get me wrong, I am guilty of posting those things as well. I don’t know what it is about posting a picture of our family all smiling acting like life is perfect, or posting a picture of something special we get to do, or my kids playing with a cool new toy. Maybe it’s the instant gratification that’s so satisfying or the feeling of others thinking life is happy go lucky. Although this is a tough topic for me to talk about it, I believe it’s what gave me the desire to start this blog.

On a sunny Saturday morning about four months ago I was walking on a nearby trail with Ashton, Scottie, Rosie (still in my tummy), and our pup Scout. We passed a couple of ladies who stopped to pay us a compliment. “You guys are the most perfect looking family. You have the dog, blonde kid, and just look so perfect.” Being nine months pregnant and feeling like a complete whale, I took the compliment with open arms and replied, “Thank you, thank you. That just made our day.” I think for a second I wanted to bask in the feeling of someone else thinking our life was perfect. And trust me, as I’m typing I know how wrong and arrogant that sounds. Truth is, I remember that being one of the darkest days of our life. I remember walking away from those ladies thinking, if they only knew. If they only knew the struggles we were dealing with, what we were going through, and what life was really like at the Dennis household…they would never have said those things. But man it sure felt good for someone to think it.

I think there is such pressure put on us these days to make it look like we have it all put together, when so many of us flat out don’t. Making people think that you have it all together sure feels darn good though. There, I said it.

Does that mean I am never going to post pictures of my kids again? Or vacations we go on? Or fun activities we are able to do? Probably not. But I think it is a matter of being more real with people, turning off this fake façade of everything is perfect, my marriage couldn’t be better, and I absolutely love having kids all day every day. Just this morning I posted a picture of my three-month-old smiling, cooing, dressed, and happy. Sure made these past three months look like a breeze. If I posted what life was really like with my kids at this point in time they would see a much different picture. It might be a picture of me running down the road trying to chase my two-year-old as my stroller with my three-month-old is going at rapid speed down the road. Or it might look like me digging macaroni and cheese out of my toddler’s belly button that she had shoved in so deep I think it touched her back. Or it could be a picture of myself with freshly curled and washed hair lined with yellow strands of my baby’s blow-out, or maybe just a picture of Ashton and I sitting on the couch staring at a wall not knowing what way was up or down and crying when he asked what I wanted for dinner.

To wrap it up I would just say, it’s hard not to compare. It’s hard not to want that perfect life with that perfect family, that perfect house with those perfect kids, and that shiny car with the beautiful boat. The Joneses have it, why shouldn’t we? Instead I’m trying to be thankful for what I do have, being more real with people—thanking God for what He’s blessed us with and what he continues to bless us with. Knowing that everyone has struggles even though it may not look like it on the outside. Let’s get real, nobody’s perfect.

OUR FINAL THOUGHTS

Don’t be fooled. There are certainly those that can and do afford things that are much nicer than yours. However, we’d bet that there are far more people that have things that stretch their budget outside their comfort zone. God does not call us to gather and collect things, and there are no points for nicest car in Heaven. You will remember a few hours with your closet friend playing board games much more than you will those nice jeans that had a cool design on the pocket. Trust us.

Get Cozy. We knew each other’s favorite food and how we each liked our Starbucks but did not really “know” one another until life got real. When the rubber hit the road. There were months, if not a year of, teary nights discussing our fears, our worries, and working out just how to survive the night. Dig deep into life with your partner. What keeps them up at night? It’s probably not the latest iPhone.

Contentment is king. Being content with how you look, being content with the car you drive, and being content with sweats, a Redbox, and pizza pockets is what God calls us to do. We are not saying God calls us to eat pizza pockets, but we are called to be content with what’s been provided. Actively work on being content. When you have downtime, don’t scroll the internet looking at sites that are only going to make your mind wander into, “wouldn’t that be nice” territory. It would certainly be a farce if we told you that we were just perfectly content and don’t wish for a thing. However, we are working very hard on living within our means and enjoying moments versus mementos.