Let's Get Real About Marriage

Ashton:

They never really spoke up about it around me, but I cannot tell you how many times we ran into another person or couple and Ashley would walk away saying, “She [or they] just mentioned the depression blog.” Oddly, nobody brought it up to me, likely out of some fear that I did not want to talk about it or I may have been too fragile — both of which could have been true. But fortunately, I am doing much better, but certainly not out of the proverbial woods just yet. I find myself in a fog more than I’d like to admit. So yes, things are better, but I have learned that this battle will be one that lasts more than twelve rounds.

There are days that Ashley will ask, “Are you doing okay?” and I will have to admit, “No, not right now.” It may be a look on my face or the way I am interacting with my kids, but I have moments that feel as if my world may come to an end at a blink of an eye. And that feeling is as real as the shirt on my back. I can sense it. I can feel it. I can tell you how it is going to happen. It is scary real. So real that it’s hard for most to grasp — the actual feeling that the end is near or maybe worse — that the end would be better. For those that have not been there it is hard to muster up much more than, “Seriously?” or “Man, I am sorry.” Those who are thinking with logic and who are not overwhelmed by anxiety or depression can analyze a situation and can see things that are just not visible to the ones going through it. There may be plans that can be put into place, someone to call, or a place to go. However, analytics and common sense don’t come naturally for those stumbling through the fog.

With that being said, I do not wish to rehash my long-standing struggle with depression. Instead I’d like to offer a few bits of advice for those in the throws and those who know or love someone in the midst. 

First, you are not alone. If you find yourself with days that seem better in bed, or just locked in your room versus interacting with the world…you are not alone. You may feel alone. You may feel as if nobody can feel the way you feel because it seems so weird even to you. But you are not alone.

It is still hard for me to believe that someone else can feel the same thing that I do in terms of my anxiety or depression. Could someone really be as scared as me? Could someone really have a fear so illogical as to think that their family, their wife and kids, will all of a sudden never want to speak to them or see them again? I could go on and on, but the answer is a resounding yes. I can promise you that if you have had an irrational fear — I’ve likely got one more extreme. I’ve learned that is the way I am wired. I learned that I likely have obsessive-compulsive disorder in addition to my anxiety and depression. What does that mean? Well, in a positive way, that I can get into a zone at work and tackle problems, maneuver cases, and achieve results for my clients as if I am firing on all twelve cylinders.

On the other hand, that same high-horsepower engine can go in reverse. I can grasp on to a fear in my mind that will produce a negative (but fictitious) outcome. That bad outcome will lead to another terrible event and so on and so on until it seems as if the worst possible things in my life will all come true — and not in the distant future, but immediately. Thus, do not feel alone if you have thoughts or anxieties or feelings that seem so farfetched as to make you think you are crazy. You’re not. Not even close. You may need some help, as I’ll discuss below, but you’re not crazy.

Second, being alone is bad. If someone tells you that they feel down or you see a pattern to suggest things are just not right with them — that person and solitude are not a good combination. Go out of your way not to be alone if you’re someone who has dark feelings. This means confiding in people and telling them that you feel a bit off and could use some company.

In many of my low days I was babysat, but fortunately, it was by my friends, family, and spouse. They would not outright call it babysitting, but it was. More importantly? It helped. I felt sort of like a toddler because I knew they were just around because they did not want me to be alone. Yet knowing that they cared enough to take time out of their day or night to hang out and just watch TV was enough for me to realize that I was important to them. It was when I would say to others “I’m fine,” or “Ashley will be home in just a bit,” that I had bad days or nights.  I did not want to be a burden, but I’ve learned that I wasn’t a burden and you should know that you are not either. Trust your gut. If you think someone could use a friend or company, they likely could. It can make all the difference in the world if someone knows that people care enough just to stop to check in.

Third, use every weapon out there to fight it. There is no one-size-fits-all panacea to depression and anxiety. For me, it required a very complex battle plan. I had to be honest with my physician. Brutally honest. He was then able to assess what could be done from a pharmacological standpoint. He was clear in his plan, and it was to get through the next three days. I would then check-in again, and again, and again. If your physician is not able to go the extra mile, to sit and talk with you about your circumstances, I would encourage you to find one who will. It will make all the difference. Secondly, I met with a counselor. At first, it was multiple times a week, then once a week, and then once every couple weeks. Now I just check in a few times a year.

This is all to say there is no one-size fits all to treatment. For some it may be medicine.  Others, counseling.  Even group therapy.  Don’t give up if one does not work for you.  Be willing to try it all, because once you find the right treatment plan you can finally begin to heal.

Although it has been a couple of years since I have been at the “just trying to survive the day” level of depression, I still have my low points. And yet I have had what only can be described as the best couple years of my life with my children and wife, and at my work. There is not much more I could ask for. Yet, more often than I’d like to admit, I am completely leveled to my knees. I am in a dark, scary place that seems to be inescapable. These moments do not last nearly as long and I have learned coping mechanisms, but they are still scary. It seems that my journey continues.

There is zero chance that my life would be the same without this journey I’ve been through. When I was at my darkest time I would certainly have traded lives with just about anyone. But now, looking back a bit, it has truly transformed me. And I realize how prevalent depression and anxiety is in our society and I encourage those suffering to take it one step at a time. Reach out for help. If you are local I’d be more than happy to share about the journey God took me on — as well as the names of the providers that helped. Take it one step at a time and remember you are not alone.

 

 

Ashley:

When people used to say, “You will get through this, I promise,” or “There is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel,” I truly struggled to believe them. Actually, I did not believe them.

Depression is dark. Anxiety is terrifying. I felt like we were going to be stuck in it forever. I did not struggle with depression on any level near Ashton’s, but watching my husband go through it became the hardest, darkest years of my life. I spent countless nights locked in our closet, face down on the ground bawling and crying out to God to please give me my husband back. However, my timing was not God’s timing. He wanted us to face it head on, go through it — every corner and every dark memory. And only by going through it did was how our family, foremost my husband, start to heal.

Finally, we started to faintly see that light at the end of the tunnel. We started having more good days than bad. My husband was able to cope and to think clearly. He could enjoy life again. But with the good days come the bad days and the feeling of a gut punch. You feel like you have fallen back ten steps and are back to square one. It is defeating and discouraging. I have learned that this is life with depression and anxiety. It will never be entirely gone, and it will always be a part of our family. As hard as it is to admit, Ashton and I continually talk about how we wouldn’t take back one minute, day, or year of our shared lives. It has brought us closer than ever and anchored us in Christ.

Since writing our first blog on depression, I have been able to sit down with multiple people with depression and anxiety and tell them they are not alone. Not even close.

To have to put the words husband and suicide in the same sentence wrecks me every time. My fingers shake even as I type the sentence. But that is how dark life got for my husband. It still haunts me. Nine months pregnant and knowing that my husband had feelings that he didn’t want to be here. And only through the help of doctors, counselors, friends, family and God was he able to come out of that.

My strongest piece of advice for every person I come into contact with who struggles with the same thing—whether to a lesser or greater extent—is the same: get help. Just like people take medication for sickness, cancer, etc. — depression is also a sickness. And thankfully there is medication for that.

We were blessed with an amazing doctor who sat with us and went through every medication Ashton would go on. He would meet with us weekly to check in with Ashton and to see what was working and what was not. He would let Ashton cry in his office for his whole appointment. And he would meet with me to check in if I was okay. And I would sit and cry too.

On top of finding an amazing doctor, God put us in the hands of an amazing counselor. I still say to this day, that he helped save my husband’s life. He went through every fear, illogical thought, thoughts of suicide, and every other corner of my husband’s life with him. He met with my husband every week, sometimes multiple times, and continually made him feel okay and normal, and that this was something a lot of people struggle with. He quickly became my counselor and helped me navigate the waters of living a life with a spouse with depression and anxiety. Recently, he was able to speak to a MOPS group I help lead. He talked to us moms about depression, anxiety, post-partum depression, and so much more. It was so uplifting to see moms sit back and say, “I’m so thankful I’m not alone.”

Depression and anxiety will always be a part of our story. As a spouse who has to watch a loved one go through it, I have learned to find a community. Have friends you can text, call, or get together with. Tell them life is hard or tell them life is great. No matter what, have someone to talk to. Secondly, I saw my husband start to heal when he went through it head on. And he still has days that he needs to talk things through, days where he needs reassurance from me that everything will be okay. And lastly, seek help. Get help. Don’t ever give up on finding the right doctor or counselor. They are out there, and they are life-changing.

I want to end with what most importantly got us through and still is, our faith. There is a song that I have listened on repeat hundreds of times that says:

“I know You’re able and I know You can

save through the fire with Your mighty hand

but even if You don’t

my hope is You alone.”

Fighting this battle was messy and difficult. There were certainly more hard days than good ones, but holding onto our faith and one another has built a solid foundation for our marriage and family.

 

P.S. Here is the link to the last blog on this topic when we were in the thick of depression and anxiety:  https://letsgetrealaboutmarriage.com/2016/10/29/depression-anxiety/