ASHTON
We have learned that the topic of boundaries is hard. First it’s broad. You have to set boundaries with kids, parents, family, friends, and work. Each set of boundaries are different for a multitude of reasons. Ashley and I are planners. We like to have a schedule and we like to have a routine, so when the topic of boundaries arose prior to marriage, it was very easy to plan for boundaries abstractly. We would sit down and talk about our “new life” and what would be acceptable with regard to kids, parents, family, friends, and work. It was one of many, many plans that have changed and adapted due to life.
Although our plans changed, the topic of boundaries has continually been an ongoing conversation. One could even say contention. For example, during our engagement we made a hard and fast rule that we would be spending the holidays, in particular Christmas, at home. This was going to be our time and we would start our own traditions. During my childhood I traveled a lot on Christmas and we would spend an hour or two at one house and then we were onto the next. Well, this was one of the boundaries that has been adjusted over our marriage. Year one we traveled and did our best to see everyone, take the picture, exchange gifts, and throw down a couple more servings of stuffing. We were exhausted. By the time our holiday break ended we did not know where the time had gone, but we did not want to offend anyone in our family by not being at their gathering.
We made a pact to change that for year two and year three…but we had the ongoing guilt of not making it to different gatherings or not being able to see our family. Year four rolled around and we hit the brakes. Our daughter was walking and we sent out an email (because we were too cowardly to call) indicating that we would be spending Christmas morning and day at our home. If you wanted to see us, you knew where to find us. I don’t think that went over too well but we survived. We certainly may have hurt some feelings and made their holiday planning difficult, but I can tell you that I will never forget that Christmas morning. We read the story of Jesus’ birth to our daughter, let her open some presents and spent the whole morning in our pajamas. The rest of the day was spent lounging and it was beautiful. The following year we sent a similar email and I think it was received a bit better than before. It became a bit understood that we would be doing Christmas at home and thus that boundary was established.
I like to think that Ashley and I were regularly on the same page regarding boundaries with friends—but for a significant amount of time we found ourselves outside our comfort zone and reluctant to say no to any particular group or setting. I’m not one to turn down a beer when offered. My tastes have evolved a bit from Busch Light in college to a slightly more sophisticated taste as of recently. With that being said, on more than a few occasions we both left what we considered our boundaries—staying out a bit later than we should have (and for me, having at least one beer too many). The next day I’d wake up with guilt and ways to justify my behavior.
Over time we have become much better at setting more definite boundaries in that arena. We are more particular on the things we will say yes to, and how late we will stay. This means much better dialog beforehand versus the morning after. We have two children now and we want to be an example for them in setting expectations on what things are and aren’t appropriate.
Each couple will have many unique layers as it relates to boundaries. Some have to set forth very stringent boundaries with family or at work. Others may not. There really is no right or wrong answer, so long as you and your spouse are collaborating on the topic and agree. If you don’t agree, keep talking and get on the same page. Taking on boundaries with a united partner is much easier and sets up a relationship for success.
ASHLEY
Boundaries are hard. Boundaries are uncomfortable. Whether they are ones that need to be set with your family, with your spouse, with certain friendships, or struggles—they are just hard plain and simple. Ashton and I are five years into marriage and still struggle with the boundaries we try and set.
Ashton and I are very comfortable talking about the boundaries we have as a couple. I always admired growing up how my dad treated my mom. I never heard him talk about another woman, never saw him look at another woman, and always saw him treat my mom with the utmost respect. My dad traveled a lot for work and always said that the first thing he would do when he got to his hotel would go to his room and get on his knees and pray against temptation that might come up while traveling alone. I was very blessed to have married someone so similar to my dad. Ashton and I made a point to not put ourselves in uncomfortable situations with the opposite sex and to set boundaries about what we considered okay for our marriage. Each couple is different. Everyone has a different job and everyone enjoys different social settings. Our boundaries may be similar or far different than what others think is normal or okay. Frankly, we don’t really know what other couples have in regards to boundaries as it’s not a topic we openly discuss, just usually with one another.
However, family boundaries have been a little different. I remember everyone saying when we got married, “Make sure to set your boundaries. Be your own family. Have your own holidays, etc.” I think that has proved to be easier said than done, probably for a majority of couples. Ashton and I are blessed with two families who we love and adore. They both mean so much to us, but sometimes things do get difficult when you are not able to make it to a certain event or holiday, and schedules don’t line up with others. I think what Ashton and I have come to realize that instead of getting frustrated or defensive we try and remember that we have two families that love us so much and who genuinely want us there to spend time with us. We want that too. It’s important for us as a couple to spend as much time as we can with our families, but also to do what’s best for our family of four.
Setting social boundaries is probably one of our hardest tasks. We both grew up loving to be at every get together, outing, or bar-hopping experience. Six years later, some things have changed and some things haven’t. Ashton and I still love to go out, grab a drink, and meet friends at the bar. But we have also become the parents of two daughters and have grown in our spiritual walk. We know what temptations are harder for us. We have firm boundaries about what we want our daughters around and what we don’t. That one is easy for us. However, we both have reached a point in our lives where we want to be examples for our kids, and to do so it requires holding one another accountable, having the tough conversations and being open and honest.
We have a great friend and neighbor that helps edit our blog before publishing and he encouraged us to pose a few questions to the readers. Think about the following and discuss with your significant other or feel free to post on our board/wall:
- What’s an area in your marriage that you really enjoy the boundaries that you’ve set?
- What is a boundary that has changed over time?
- What’s a boundary you’ve never thought of until now?
- What’s a boundary you wish you could talk more freely about?
- Is there a boundary you wish you could set?
- What’s an example of an unspoken boundary that the two of you ‘just get’ and follow implicitly?
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