Let's Get Real About Marriage

ASHLEY

Baggage. We all have a lot of it. There have been countless times in our marriage where Ashton and I have both said how we wished we could have met in middle school, dated for 10-15 years, got married, and only had memories with each other. Yeah right. And for those that have that story, you’re a darn lucky duck. Instead, we came into marriage with our messy, ugly pasts and somehow I think I expected it all to just disappear. If only the fifteen years before Ashton didn’t matter, because in him I had found the man of my dreams and we were going to live happy ever after. Wrong.

About a year into marriage I found myself in a heaping mess in my counselor’s office. I was asking, almost begging her, to give me tools to erase all of the memories, choices, failed relationships, and wrong paths I had taken before I met Ashton. There were a lot.

I had the privilege of being in a great youth group growing up and it was there that I heard a man speak, Brad Henning, who looking back now had one of the most profound impacts on my life than any other speaker I had seen or heard. His target audience were teenagers and young adults. I remember where I was sitting when I heard him say the words, “If you don’t hear anything else, please hear this. The decisions you make now as a teenager will affect you later in life. In your marriage, your parenting, your future relationships. The path you may choose to go down now whether it be with your boyfriend/girlfriend, addictions, habits will affect your marriage someday.” Being around sixteen at the time, and in what I thought was a serious relationship and with the person who I thought I would grow up and marry, I rolled my eyes. But I did tuck those words in the back of my mind and have never forgotten them over the years.

Sure enough, eight years later (years that were filled with poor choices) and into my first year of marriage, I found myself on the verge of a breakdown. I could not get out of the “If only I had” way of living. I was broken, and I knew that if I didn’t deal with it then it would begin to hurt my marriage. So, off I went to my counselor who listened.

At the time I was hoping she would have some profound words of wisdom or some sort of miraculous fix to erase my past. Instead, she asked if I had given it all to God. If I had listed every single thing out and asked for forgiveness. I responded no, and with that she took my hands and asked if I wanted to start now. She said I could pray to myself, and already being uncomfortable with just “giving it to God” I bowed my head and started listing everything out. Every poor choice and sin I could think of. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I had to go back to the dark places, but with doing that I was able to feel a peace that I never had. I did not walk out of there feeling like a completely new person with a pep in my step, but I did know that I was forgiven. That He took everything I gave to him and wiped my slate clean. On the way home I knew I had to talk to my husband.

Disclaimer, I do not think that everyone needs to tell every detail of their pasts to their spouse. I don’t think that telling them every intricate detail of your poor choices and relationships is something that is necessary, because I know I would not want to know every little thing in my husband’s past. However, I hadn’t shared with him the things that were weighing so heavy on my heart and I knew he was always willing to listen. I remember sitting with him on the couch one night and asking if he would listen to my past and the mistakes I had made. It took about an hour for me to get it all out and through it all he held me, comforted me, and forgave me. It was one of the hardest and yet most beautiful conversations I had ever had. I felt for the first time I was able to let go of my baggage weighing me down and live in the freedom of forgiveness and a new start.

If I could give any advice, it would be to have the tough conversations. Whether it be with your spouse or a counselor, find someone who will listen. Living with baggage is exhausting, especially when you are bringing it in to a marriage. Be open and honest, share your struggles, your fears and anxieties, and don’t forget to give it to the one who can erase it all.

ASHTON

A common thing I hear (and likely I said myself) from young people is that instead of getting married that they want to “experience life” or “have more life experiences.” Hear me out. I don’t see anything wrong with pursuing education, a career, or traveling—but too often I hear these sayings in relation to people’s desires to have multiple dating partners, spend evenings at the bar, or overall, making bad choices.

I used to consider myself a decent golfer, although now I am a normal weekend hack. A person that helped me along when I was playing competitively once said, “Practice doesn’t make perfect, it makes permanent.” Now, at the time he was referencing a golf swing: you need to take practice seriously and work on your mechanics or you will permanently have bad mechanics on the course and in competition. Oddly enough, I see this metaphor also directly apply to behavior.

There is a concept that the decisions you make as a young adult will have little to no consequences in your “real adult life” or when “you settle down.” This may be why I perceive less young people getting married and spending more time concentrating on having fun. Unfortunately, these patterns and practices can become “permanent” and when people do find the person they want to marry often times it is far from “perfect.” It can lead to serious baggage that can weigh down and ultimately drown you.

Some of you reading know that as a young man in my early twenties, I went to a well-respected, nearly Ivy League school on the east side of the state. Yes, Washington State University is where I spent four years, and yes, I enjoyed my time there. I did well in school but also excelled in extra-curricular activities at the famous Coug bar and with my fraternity brothers. Part way through I had a steady girlfriend and thought life was just grand.

I had no concept on how much my actions during those four years and beyond would ultimately impact my life. Instead of focusing on what I wanted my life to look like in 5 years, 10 years, or even 20 years down the road, I lived every day for me. I lived for the selfish enjoyment of the day. I have no regrets about attending college where I did—attending WSU and even making mistakes as I get to experience God’s continual forgiveness of my past life—but I did learn a few hard lessons following those years.

When I met my now beautiful bride in grad school it was an entirely different relationship than I had in the past. I had met the one. Honestly, very, very shortly into dating I knew I wanted to marry her. But for some time I did not really know what to, or where to put mentally, my “past.” At times I remember thinking, “past is the past” and “nobody really cares about college” and heck I was “just experiencing life.” Well, I was wrong.

I was wrong because I did not realize how much my past impacted my daily routine, how I interacted with others, and my social activity. I had developed a permanent patter that was not terribly easy to break. I unfortunately had “life experiences” that impacted many facets of our marriage. From simple things of “where to vacation” to more complicated topics of “what are our true values” and how might those play out in our new marriage—these were all impacted by my prior life. I had so much shame and embarrassment about things I had done. I struggled with letting go and actually feeling forgiveness.

I did not share much of my past prior to marriage but after a few years the confessions and breakdowns began. I had bottled it up. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea that I could live free in forgiveness without discussing it with Ashley. It was so difficult to do (likely more so for her), but a process that we both truly needed to work through none-the-less.

Is having fun prior to marriage a bad thing? No. Go out, date, and even go to the bar if you want. However, the relationships that you have, the people you live with, the way you talk, the things that you look at on the internet, and the frequency of your trips to the bar will all develop into permanent patterns that are not as easily changeable as you may wish.

I would encourage an open dialog prior to getting married with your spouse-to-be. Spill out every detail? Maybe not. Knowing the person you are going to marry, and your spouse knowing you, is really important and can eliminate many unforeseen speed bumps in the future. We are five years in and have chosen to share our pasts, maybe even over-shared, but we are as close now as we have ever been and have a truly deep understanding of one another.