Let's Get Real About Marriage

ASHLEY

Pride goes before the fall. In my case I like to say that pride comes before my plummet. I’ve never experienced a graceful fall from pride. It’s usually an all-out battle, struggle, and power trip before I head toward my downward spiral of regret, anger, remorse . . . and then replaying all the above. Let’s be real, I’m a mom and I got a lot of pride. I’m a wife, I got a lot of pride, I’m a friend, a daughter, a daughter-in-law—point is, in about every relationship, I have pride. It’s not easy to be told I’m wrong, it’s not easy to realize I’ve been doing something wrong, it’s not easy for me to be patient, or to look at the situation through others perspectives and views. However, it’s that type of attitude that has caused some of the most turmoil in my life.

Let’s face it moms, we got a lot of pride. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a mom with their kid doing something that in my opinion is “so wrong.” My thoughts go something like this, “She is unbelievable. How does she parent like that? That poor kid. I would never be like that or have a child who acts like that. And I would never put up with that.” It’s usually no more than a day later that I’m dragging my kid out by her hair from the grocery store quietly promising her suckers in one ear if she just gets up and walks to the car, and under my breath promising her the punishment of a lifetime—always saying it loud enough for her to look up and see the fire in my eyes that often leaves her confused, crying, and running for her life at the same time (while still asking for the sucker). I can honestly tell you that every single thing I have told myself that my child will not do, or everything that I have told myself I won’t do as a mom, has happened. And then some. I have eaten crow time after time again.

Not only in motherhood, but as a wife. Time and time again I have dragged out a fight, said hurtful things, not communicated, etc., and all because I did not want to be wrong. I fully knew I was wrong, but Ashton for sure could not know that I knew it.

Everyone has experienced pride in a relationship. Not wanting to be the first to say sorry or pick up the phone to try and talk it out. I’ve been there. Multiple times. Still am. It’s something that I actively struggle with everyday in different relationships. Sometimes it has nothing to do with an apology. Sometimes it has to do with continuing a relationship even when you’ve been hurt by the person, being the one to reach out and to ask how they are. It’s not easy, but I truly believe it’s what God calls us to do. Pride puts up walls, brings out anger, resentment, and it hurts. I continually have to ask God to break down walls, to help me be the bigger person, show me where I am wrong, and help me admit it when I am wrong.

Pride is real, ugly, dangerous, and can lead to life of misery, even temporarily. I am all too aware of my pride every time I am quick to judge. I find that when I’m in constant communication with God, asking Him for help, relying on His plan and grace, that the “fall” can feel a lot more like a stumble instead of a face plant.

ASHTON

There is a saying that “money is the root of all evil” and I am not terribly sure who wrote that, but in a practical sense, they are not too far off base. In that same vein I would emphatically state that “pride” is equally dangerous. I want to be clear about what I am talking about. I’m certainly not saying that telling your children or friends that you are proud of them for an accomplishment is evil or even remotely bad. However, pride in the sense of being selfish, arrogant, ignorant, and stubborn—those are not qualities we should be striving for.

Well, it should be easy. Don’t be selfish, arrogant, ignorant, or stubborn. Live a self-sacrificing life, furthering the kingdom of God. Easy. Check that box and you’re set. We all know it’s not that easy. Even the most well-intentioned people can display qualities akin to pride.

If you all were wondering, I’m super smart and never wrong. It’s with this attitude that I’ve approached many disagreements with my beautiful bride. Anytime something arises I am quick to the draw. I can outline my bullet points as to why I am right and she is wrong. It’s logical and makes total sense in my head. On more than a few occasions I only hurt her by doing this. I create a divide which breaks down communication and prolongs the issue. A prime example: Ashley’s recent birthday.

As a stay-at-home mom, my bride is hounded, 24/7, with our two kiddos. We are very fortunate to have the opportunity for her to stay home, but it’s not a leisurely walk in the park. We have two children under the age of three and there are some days where our youngest will scream and cry all day if she is set down. Sure enough, that makes the oldest want additional attention (and she has the ability to throw a nuclear tantrum when she does not get her way). It’s tough being a mom.

So for her birthday I wanted to give her a free day. She was going to be free to go shopping, hang with her friends, or even just drive around in silence, not being commanded to replay “Itsy Bitsy Spider.” My intentions were genuine. I wanted her to have the day off and I was going to stay home from work. That was the plan. However, as we approached the day, I had a last-minute meeting I needed to attend. It was an early meeting and I anticipated being home in good time. The meeting ran long. I didn’t text or call her to let her know my schedule. When I got in the car on the way home and she was quiet and not stoked for her day I knew that I had hurt her.

You would think a Christ-proclaiming man would simply apologize. Seek forgiveness and try and make it right. Yes, that is what I should have done. What I did instead was to think of all the reasons why she should not be mad. Fail number one. I drove home thinking about how I have a great schedule. I get time away from work when I need it. We earn a fair income that allows us to do these things. Heck, I wasn’t even that late. My point-by-point analysis and reasoning was sound. I was prepared to argue my case. In fact, I did argue me case. Fail number two.

I have done this far too many times. I hurt Ashley by failing to inform her, by failing to do something that I say I’m going to do, or by simply “forgetting” and responding with all of the good things I do. All of these things only make the situation worse. You’d think I would’ve learned by now.

In the professional setting, my pride has caused equal grief. In fact, I’ve written an article on trying not to make mistakes worse than they are. (This was after I had turned a small misunderstanding into a full-blown war, but that’s another story). You can never end up on the winning end of a war, but you certainly can end up looking foolish. Like in my personal life, I can be all too quick to explain how good of a job I am doing, or have done, and forget or skim past the mistakes and hard lessons I’ve learned.

I often forget to live in the self-sacrificing manner that I strive for. Consequently, I’ve been selfish, stubborn, ignorant, and arrogant. It’s embarrassing. I wish I had a “recovery” story for you in which you can read about how I have figured this out. It would be nice to say how great my strides have been, but it’s a slowly evolving process that I hope to keep working on.  Fortunately, my bride and those around me are full of grace.