Let's Get Real About Marriage

ASHTON

“Marriage is a grind, keep dating.” If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times prior to being married.  When prompted I immediately said Of course! That won’t be a problem. Why did I say that? The answer was honest but naive. We were having a ton of fun dating and through our engagement. We were constantly on the go and head-over-heels in love with one another. Neither of us had had great relationships in our past. This was fresh and fun. I could not foresee a day where we would just feel bored or in a rut. At the time, in 2012, had you told me that you need to be conscious about continually dating or learning new things about Ashley, it would have been like telling me that Tiger Woods wasn’t going to win another major. I would’ve laughed in your face. In consistent form I was wrong, but fortunately I do my best to learn from my mistakes. Throw a couple kids in the mix and a busy work schedule and the rubber hit the road.

I work a standard week. In the office by about eight and headed out by four thirty. I then work from home at nights and in the mornings via my phone. I do this not because I am a workaholic…but I run a relatively new business that requires a lot of attention. I am a control freak and feel the unnecessary need to be connected all the time. Come Friday, getting the girls down, sitting on couch with my bride, a movie and a cold beer sounds just perfect.

On the other hand, my better half has been at home all week, with two children, watched Frozen 37 times, ran up and down the stairs delivering pacifiers, and changed diapers. The most social interaction she had was dropping off Scottie at school. Her vision of a good Friday night is snagging her passport and running down to Mexico. Not that dramatic but you get the point.

“Keep on dating” and “staying out of the grind” has become an issue in our marriage a couple of times. Ashley has had to sit me down and explain that although we have seen each other every day we are acting more like roommates. Wake up. Feed the kids. Go to work. Come home. Eat quickly. Check email. Put the kids down. Sit on the couch. Check email again. Go for a run. Watch a show. Go to bed. That is the routine. And as I write this I realize that this has been a nearly everyday occurrence. I know that I have forgotten to even ask how her day has gone at times. Fortunately, this has changed more recently.

See, we get date nights with one another and have an absolute blast. We go to a game, grab a beer or dinner, and sometimes just drive around not having to listen to Disney songs. I wish we could go out with one another more often even if just to dinner without kids. However, we have our little munchkins and are working on being more intentional with the time we have together. It’s come in the form of no-tech time when the kiddos are down and working on a puzzle or simple daydreaming about a “someday” plan or even just a full night’s sleep. We now will text each other throughout the week on how excited we are about our night just hanging out at the table working on a new puzzle and having a glass of wine. I’ve quickly learned that date nights and just spending time with one another can be as fun as a night away from the home.

ASHLEY

Dating while married. It was not something I ever foresaw being difficult while married to such a hunk. Six years ago I didn’t think dating could ever be so much fun. I remember Friday nights when the options were to go to a Mariners game, go to a movie, go out dancing, or go to a drive-in. Flash forward six years, throw two kids in the mix and the options have slightly changed. Now the options are more like watch Frozen or Nemo. Play tea time for the hundredth time. Pray that there is something stronger than air in the dainty tea cups. Or attempt to watch a movie over the screaming on the baby monitor. Don’t get me wrong, nights in with my family are some of my favorite nights, but every once in a while I miss the fun, giddy date nights Ashton and I used to have.
I remember before kids the amount of times I heard, “Don’t rush having kids…enjoy your time together…travel, go do things…live it up.” I always remember thinking (slightly annoyed), “We already have. We want kids. There is nothing crazy left I want to do. I’m ready to start a family.” Well, ever heard of the baby blues? I can’t tell you how many times I found myself crying, almost mourning the time I had alone with Ashton after both my pregnancies. I remember after our girls were born missing my husband tremendously, even though he would be right across the room from me. Whenever I would tell him, he would respond, “Babe, I’m right here.” Men, take note. Don’t say that to a hormonal, emotional, sleep deprived wife. Although, it definitely helped the missing feeling go away for that moment. Weird.

Over the past six years of knowing my husband I have learned his likes, dislikes, hobbies, passions, desires, and pretty much a whole lot more. When we first met, Ashton had told me how much he loved to golf. He had played in high school and was living on a golf course at the time, so he played quite often. In my mind I was doubtful I would ever get back into golf after almost breaking my neighbor’s nose with a golf club and sending her to the hospital for stitches—all because I wanted to show her my swing. But I knew how much he loved it so I told him I would give it a try. Six years later, the golf course is our happy place. If we have any free time in the day our first option is to hit the links. I’m not good at it. I usually last nine holes until the anger and frustration start rising, and then I’m happy to drive my man around in the cart while he finishes. Although I did not love it at first, I made the choice to ask questions about it, learn the sport, and soon enough I started to enjoy it too.

Ashton and I make it a point to find babysitters every couple weeks because we know we need that time. I need that time. After staying home five days in a row with my sweet, wild, chatty cathy girls, I know that I need that time with my husband. I think it is so easy to get so caught up in our children, jobs, and daily routines that we forget about our spouse. I love still dating Ashton. Although we go through ruts at times, we have made it a priority to always find “us time.” Even if it’s turning off all technology for an hour and saying the highs and lows of our days and asking each other questions.
Don’t get me wrong. This may not be easy for some couples who just flat out don’t enjoy the same things as their spouse. Or maybe they can’t find a babysitter or the time to go out on dates. Ashton has said how much fun it would be if I went hunting with him. 5 a.m., sitting in a duck blind, watching him kill innocent quack-quacks (as my daughter calls them). Will I do it because I love him and it’s something he enjoys doing? Probably not. But I know there are other things that I can enjoy with him that will give us the time we need to continually build a stronger marriage.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Don’t wait. Start thinking about one thing that your spouse enjoys and that you may not necessarily love, yet you know that if you were more interested in it that it would bring the other joy. Is sitting in a truck while your spouse takes pictures? Is it learning a new sport so that you can spend time together? Is it joining a co-ed league together? Or is it just stopping what you’re doing and having a meaningful conversation? If you put even just a small amount of energy into this you will likely reap the rewards of a spouse who feels even more special and appreciated.

Get resourceful. There may be many people reading this and saying, “We would go on dates but we don’t have (or can’t afford) a babysitter.” I don’t think that’s the best excuse. Find another couple and exchange weekends, like a babysitting co-op. Sitting down and having a conversation with your spouse without the TV, or buying them flowers or writing them a note can really show you care. You probably can get really resourceful when it comes to your own passions (like me) and find excuses when it comes to doing things for your spouse and we encourage you to take the opposite approach.