Let's Get Real About Marriage

ASHLEY

My older brother and I were very blessed to be raised in a loving home. My parents fought, sometimes in front of us, but we never heard or saw them show disrespect. My parents didn’t play sides, talk down about the other, curse or call names. Their marriage wasn’t perfect, and parenting was not always easy for them, but Matt and I both grew up with role models we strived to be like when we grew up. In my case, it led me to pray for the same kind marriage in my future.

I’m not saying by any means that their marriage and years of parenting were always a breeze. Believe me, Matt and I gave them many sleepless nights, turmoil, and (I’m guessing) things to fight about. But they loved us unconditionally and always set an example of a loving marriage.

I remember always saying the words, “I want to marry someone just like my dad when I grow up.” Again, it was one of those easy things to say, but not really something I clearly grasped. One of the things I love about my dad is his respect for my mom. Not once when growing up did I ever hear him talk about another woman or see him look at another woman. I remember that when an inappropriate or racy commercial would come on he would just look away. He never made a big deal about it, but he would turn the channel, walk out of the room, or just put his head down. This was not because my mom told him to do this or ever mentioned it. It was because he respected my mom and knew how easy it is to stumble in our day and age.

During premarital counseling, Ashton and I and were given the task of writing down our marriage commandments (or marriage rules) that we wanted to follow after we said “I do.” One of them was that we always wanted to respect each other. Whether that meant respecting each other when fighting, while talking to our friends, in front of our children, or in things we watch or listen to…the list goes on. Does that mean we always have and always will? No. But I can say it’s probably one of the most important things to me personally and in our marriage. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have a night with my girlfriends and talk about life and the moments of marriage that are hard. Believe me, friends and community are what have helped hold this family together. But I don’t talk down about Ashton, call him names, talk about other men, talk about our sex life, our finances, etc. I want to respect my husband because I love him and he love and respects me. I know he doesn’t talk about me in anything but a positive manner, and that is very uplifting to me.

Ashton and I are both very aware of how easy it is to stumble in our world today. We know the numbers behind failed marriages and we know that if you don’t actively put in the effort that you can become one of those numbers. We see those statistics everywhere. It takes work. Hard work.

We live in a world where sex is glorified, pornography is normal, and it’s more and more common to get a divorce than to stay married. That’s why Ashton and I choose to talk about the hard stuff. What makes us comfortable, uncomfortable, what we fear, what hurts us, affects us, or helps us. They aren’t easy conversations to have. There have been a handful of times where we have had to walk out of a room, end a conversation, leave a movie theater, turn off the TV, leave an event, or whatever it may be. Is it awkward? Yes. Does it make us feel uncomfortable or embarrassed? Sometimes. But I would rather feel awkward for two minutes than hurt my marriage, my husband, and myself.

Again, this is what has worked for us. I don’t have the misconception that it would work for everyone. But it definitely doesn’t hurt to talk about these things with your spouse. We are all human. We all have real struggles and deal with real temptations. No one is above it, especially myself. But I can work on it every day to strengthen my marriage and my relationship with God.

 

ASHTON

From personal experience, honoring your spouse is a conversation that’s easier to have in the abstract rather than in real life—especially before getting married. I did the premarital counseling. I had the “talk” with the army of people who were the protectors of Ashley and I surely said the right things when prompted. “I will take care of her,” and “I will honor her”. When I said those things to her dad, brother, and a litany of others who had to grant me permission to marry her, I meant it. However, it was sorta like clicking “I agree” to the iTunes disclaimer. I knew it was an important thing, but I didn’t really have a great grasp of what I was agreeing to. See a pattern? I think this is entry number three where I admit to being in a bit over my head.

Before you read any further, there is one major caveat. I am not preaching at you. I am not trying to put myself above the fray. These are my experiences and the practices that work for me. Ashley and I have learned from our stumbles and falls and we walk to the beat of our own drum. Unfortunately, neither of us can sing. And neither of us have an ounce of musical talent…so the beat we walk to is not rhythmic or something that would be considered music to another’s ears.

I can remember Ashley saying that her dad turns his head when something inappropriate comes on TV out of respect for her mom. I remember thinking, “Wow, really?” She followed by saying how much it meant to her. It was a simple gesture to show his love and respect. With a turn of the head he says that his bride is the one for her and the apple of his eye. I haven’t asked her dad where he picked up that habit, but just hearing how Ashley said those words was moving. This conversation took place when we were fairly serious in our relationship and I made the internal promise to do my best to mimic her dad’s habit. I didn’t tell Ashley, and we didn’t discuss it, but I am sure that after seeing me grab my cell phone enough times during a show or movie that my behavior became slightly obvious. As a 31-year-old man and a father, I don’t need the world’s temptation. I certainly do not need to be staring at a sex scene with some high-paid actor, let alone what can be found on the internet on your phone.

I can remember when I had an “aha” moment in regard to this practice. I don’t know how long I had been doing it, but it was likely a few months. I was at a Bible study with some great friends of mine.  They are God fearing men and people I look up to. To this day, I still look up to them. We had a great discussion about the Lord and prayed for one another. When we were done, the TV came on and a popular show was playing. At one point in time it was my favorite show. From whenever the year the show started, I had been into it. I thought the characters were hilarious and had watched every episode. However, by this time my life’s ambitions and outlook had changed. While with the guys, this particular episode started with a pool scene. Having not spent a considerable amount of social time with these guys in the prior couple years (or anyone, as I was in the library studying), I was asked, “Do you like this show?” I was slightly paralyzed. My response, “Yes, I’ve seen every episode, but guys, I gotta go.” I didn’t preach to them or explain why I was leaving but I certainly wasn’t going to stay.  I doubt they noticed or thought much of it. Am I above it or better than them? No. Actually, heck no! They are great guys. But I wouldn’t have been proud to be watching that show with my future father-in-law in the room, so there was no real business for me to be watching it with my friends.

FROM BOTH OF US

Set guidelines. Talk to your spouse about boundaries. It isn’t a marriage mandate that you don’t watch sex scenes on TV. There’s nothing that prohibits you and your spouse from venting to friends or family about your marriage. However, having an open dialog about what’s comfortable and uncomfortable is highly recommended. Discuss what makes you feel beautiful, reassured, and wanted. On the flip side, talk about what makes you insecure, worried, and flat out annoyed.  Then listen and be prepared to adapt and show the respect your spouse deserves.

Be bold. If you want to put into practice only saying positive things about your spouse or women, then do it. Be bold enough to make it awkward. There have been circumstances where one of us has had to flat out tell someone that a given conversation makes us uncomfortable. “Hey guys, would you mind not discussing that in front of me, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.” They will inevitably ask why and it can be a great conversation starter. Worst thing that can happen is that they think you are a little weird. We will take that any day of the week over just going with the flow and well knowing you are not adhering to the promises you made to your spouse.